Only a few days into this deployment and I’m finding it harder and harder not to cry. After I said my “see you later” to my husband, I avoided crying. If I’ve cried it’s only a few tears but as the days go on, I end up crying more. I just need to start working and keeping busy. I’m already pouting because I don’t have him here to watch movies with. Planning on going to the movies tonight, alone, to see Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them. Figuring out how to do things all by myself all over again is something I’ll never miss doing. I can’t wait till he’s back.
There are levels to adulting.
Level one: get married
Level four: buy stuff for the house. (Working on it)
Well to catch everyone up.
(I apparently never took this out of drafts, oops. I had surgery in September 2015).
I went to my regular doctor- was told the left side of my neck was enlarged. I was told I would need to get an ultrasound on my neck. Did that and found a thyroid nodule on my left thyroid and was referred to and eyes/ears/throat Doctor.
I went to this doctor and I found out that my thyroid nodule was solid, meaning it was a tumor. My options were:
1. Wait it out for six months then get an ultrasound on my neck, and see if it became larger. (Con: I’m a worry wart. Six months of worrying).
2. Do a biopsy on it to test if it was cancerous. (Con: multiple false negatives happen with this).
3. Have surgery. He would go in, test the tumor. Benign- would only cause him to take out the left side. Cancerous- he’d take both sides. (Con: he fucks up during surgery and I could lose the use of my vocal cords).
I chose surgery. With this doctor as my surgeon. He was amazing mind you.
I was so fucking scared because this was my first surgery ever. I cried while in pre-op because I wanted my husband, who is currently deployed.. I cried because I was unable to tell him any of what had be going on since he didn’t have any way to communicate.
The surgery went well. The tumor on my thyroid was benign, he removed the left side of my thyroid. I did not say loopy shit that normal people spout after doses of anesthesia. I was probably more mean that anything lol. My anti-tattoo older sister, she’s thirty seven-I’m twenty one, hadn’t seen my two forearm tattoos and asked me “what are those?” Only a few minutes of being in the room with me. My response: “Tattoos. On my arm. Deal with it.” I’m very proud of myself even if I was drugged up because usually I bitch out when it comes to my older sister.
The first day SUCKED. I had a drain connected to a tube connected to my neck for 24 hours for it to drain.
So, what’s happened since December until now.
On December 14th I successfully flew to Hawaii. I got on two different flights: Texas to California, California to Hawaii. Mind you, I had never been on a plane before. So doing that all in one day, not my finest experience.
Adam arrived the next day from deployment. He was unaware that I was going to be at homecoming. I didn’t get to surprise him exactly but it was a happy, but very hot day.
We’ve been living with a couple since then till now, February 20th. It hasn’t been entirely horrible here but I am VERY happy to say that we are moving out on the 29th (it’s leap year, y’all, and I wasn’t even aware for a while there) or on March 1st into our own house. We’re absolutely grateful for them letting us stay with them, it’s just hard living with people that are nothing like yourselves.
I have so many plans for my next life. I hope to be with my husband as a couple sooner in my next life. To join the military like I had wanted to when I was in middle school and high school. To not waste my time going to college to end up dropping out technically. To not waste years being with boys when I really wanted one boy (my husband) thank god I got him when I did though. He’s my rock and my everything. To start everything sooner and to be happier from the get go. To still somehow make the friends I did and find friends that I do not know now.
I swear I feel like such an outcast. Can’t just jump in and be friends with people. Not good at this type of thing. Hate feeling left out. Hate not knowing inside jokes. Hate not knowing anything. Hate that some wife and husband have spent more time with my damn husband than I have. It hurts. Just makes me down right sad. I’m so out of this group. Not like I’m going to be able to jump into this friendship. It’s already made and knit tight. Why bother? I’ll just sit here and continue to be the most quiet I’ve ever been around people. Surrounded and yet alone because I have no one to talk to about how I feel. I wish I could just be in a house with my husband, our house. But he’d probably miss being here instead of being happy with just him and me. I don’t feel good enough. I just want to cry.