For the past three weeks Adam and I have been talking about marriage. He mentioned how he told Kristian and Zach, his best friends, which is a big thing…
AND his mom about how him and I want to get married eventually. I told my mom but she’s like me, the “I’ll believe it when I see it” type but she did smile a lot, so I don’t know her exact thoughts about it.
I was talking to Nikki on the phone tonight, telling her all that’s been going on in life so far. I hadn’t gotten down to the details of what I’ve been exactly talking to Adam about, but tonight I broke it all down. And she’s happy for me, quite surprised by all that I said. She stopped me after a while in the conversation and asked me, “So.. Okay, if Adam proposed to you, you’d say yes?” When I told her, I would tell him yes. She sat there for a second and said, “Wow.” She then explained that: “Well that’s a big thing for YOU. Because, well, you’ve always kind of been scared of marriage (Nikki knows about my mom and dad’s divorce and all the bad details also). That’s great. So if he got on one knee and asked… would you still freak out and practically run away?”
The bad thing is, I don’t know what I’d do. When other guys jokingly would do that, I would practically panic. I would shake my head, say no, and just walk/run away. I feel like I would have to have Nikki there to hold me in place if Adam asked me to marry him. I just don’t know. I am so happy with him, but I am unsure of how I would respond to him actually asking me, especially depending on how he asked me. I believe in the traditional, “he gets on one knee and asks for your hand in marriage” thing. I just, it scares me because to me: Marriage is a forever thing. You don’t just marry someone to be with them for a few months or years. You get through your problems together, you talk things out, you work things out. You stay faithful. You help one another. Communicate.
I want to get married one day and if I get to marry Adam, life would be wonderful. I am just scared. I witnessed my parent’s marriage go down the drain and I do not want that to happen my children. I could not be happy with myself if that happened. I was a child of divorced parents. It made me who I am, but no child should have to go through that. I would not take it back or wish it different. I know my parents were not good together. I saw everything that ever happened.
I know Nikki worries about me. I know it crosses her mind that I’m just going to go off and marry Adam and she’s never going to see me again. I would never let that happen, she’s my best friend and my sister. She’s helped me so much in life, without her, I do not know where I would be.
There are only a few people who have made me say the phrase: “Without you, I don’t know where I would be or what I would do.” And Nikki is definitely one of them. When I have broken into a million pieces, she was always there to pick me up. Every break-up, every family problem, anything: SHE was always there. She was my light in the darkness and sometimes the only thing that kept me going. She has cried with me and laughed with me. She has loved me and hated me. She IS my sister. I do not need blood to tell me or prove to me that. Her friendship and all the years she has dealt with all of my bullshit, that proves to me everything that I will ever need to know.