I was once living in a nightmare….
I have always struggled with my faith in a lot of things. My mother has always been a spiritual woman, she raised me to be the same. I feel that I am, but I have these dark patches where my faith seems to disappear in thin air. Growing up I knew I was loved by my mother, even through all the problems her and I had, even through the problems her and I have now, I know she loves me but she is the only one I have truly trusted with my love. I have a problem trusting people mainly because of all the deceit I have seen. I drop everything for the people I love. I go out of my way, I sacrifice my heart every step of the way. But when others try to do the same for me, I get stubborn and hot headed, I try to act “hard” like nothing could ever break me. That is the worse self harm I have ever done to myself. When people try to help me now in life, I push it away with all my strength. I will not let people close. I try not to at least. The people that were there when my world was upside down and broken, I let them in regardless, but with others it hurts to try to let people get to know me. I hate opening up to others, I feel like I am ripping out my insides. Having to trust someone that is not Nikki.. Scares the hell out of me. She is the one who knows every painful moment in my life. I have broken down countlessly in front of her and still today, it kills me to do so, but I need her and I need her to know things because she is the only one I let in to help me. Even opening to her is still hard for me to do. Having faith that someone will not hurt me, deceive me, turn around and just leave me… I have tried that. Love has failed me before.
During high school, I dated quite a few people. I really do not know why I dated most of them… or any of them. I dated a guy named Mikel Hall freshman year in high school, he was the first guy to really treat me like a girlfriend. He bought me a rose each month we were together, he spoke to me sweetly, unlike other guys who had “liked” me. He rushed the words “I love you,” and I let him. I forced myself to try to love him, and ended up doing so. By the time I got to believing I was “in love” with this foolish boy, he cheated on me and I was heartbroken.
I read a post a while back and it explained why guys cheat, to boost their ego, to make the loyal girl they are with want to prove they are better than the girl they cheated with. The post said it will make the girl WANT to be with them, to change/fix them. That post was right. Even after Mikel cheated, I still went back. Multiple times. He tortured me with his games…and then I began torturing him with mine. I know it is bad. I know now, but then I was just a girl in high school who when from a girl “in love” to a cold hearted bitch. When Mikel and I were “back together” or whatever he wanted to call it, I was still talking to other guys because I wasn’t going to give him the opportunity to break my heart again, even though he still managed to. He would invite me to hang out with him at events, and I would always leave him for my friends. (Because they didn’t hurt me like he did). I was spiteful for such a long time. I hated him and loved him for the hell he put me through, but it made me stronger in a way, I wouldn’t let guys get under my skin as easily.
Sophomore year and Junior year I dated different people but they did not put a great impact on my life in a way. Senior year I dated Kristian Lowden, I used to like him when he first moved to Lockhart when we were in like… fifth grade. Junior year we had a class together and I developed a slight crush on him, he was nice to me, made me laugh, we got along. Well, for some reason Kristian started “pursuing” me, which was different. I think it was mainly Zach’s influence.. but I am not sure. He joked with me, complimented me, treated me differently than he used to, he treated me like a girl for once instead of one of the boys. We started dating and well, he was a nice guy overall but he was really controlling. Always trying to tell me what I could or couldn’t do, who I could or couldn’t hang out with. He was always talking badly about himself, and personally I have low self-esteem but DAMN he was annoying. I have never dealt with a guy that had the self-esteem of a emotional girl. I was more of a man than he was, I hate having to say that, but it’s true. I would tell Amanda all the time how Kristian was being a little bitch about something and that I did not want to date a girl. I finally got tired of it and started distancing myself. Sooner than later I found out that he had been going behind my back during our relationship, talking to Alicia (his first ‘love’) and trying to either get back with her or have sex with her.
Either way, I was done. WELL my dumbass began college, and I went back to one of my exes before Kristian, “Oh hey, let’s give Sheldon another chance because he is sweet to me.” Okay… the story with his guy is that we dated before Kristian and I dated, it was awkward, Sheldon was all work and no play and I am still a damn kid in high school who wanted to have reckless fun. He was nice but I did not see it going anywhere so I broke up with him, then I started dating Kristian afterwards. Sheldon came back in the picture, seemed not as uptight (I was totally wrong)….after dating him for a year or so, our differences got the worst of us. He started talking about marriage which led to him becoming controlling. I began pulling away more. If I did something he didn’t like, he made sure I knew it one way or another. He yelled at me in front of my friends to the point where I was sobbing and Nikki had to pull me away because he was not about to stop. He was constantly trying to change me into something I was never going to be. I wasn’t good enough, no matter how hard I tried. I wanted one thing, he didn’t. What he wanted, I would never agree to. And if he really wanted something from me, there was no way I could stop him from getting it. Nikki knew everything. Nikki did not trust him when him and I were alone after a certain point of his and my relationship. She had every right to feel that way. One night I had gone to Nikki’s, mainly to cry to her and to stay away from Sheldon (he did not like going out there), that night he showed up.
Uninvited and pissed off at me. I went outside to tell him to leave which led to him and I being outside for hours arguing. Nikki stood inside the house but had the curtain where she could watch us. At a point in the argument, Sheldon put his hands on my shoulder and shook me. Literally shook me. It didn’t phase me because it wouldn’t be the first time for him to do it. I turned towards the door to see if Nikki saw what had happened, she had and was about to walk out to us, I mouthed to her that it was “okay”. Sheldon popped off with a rude remark and I turned and hit him. If you ask Nikki, she will tell you that I full on punched him in the face, which I do not remember… I just remember turning and hitting him. The end of our relationship came a few weeks after that night. We tried to make it work. I was scared of being alone. I had gotten comfortable in an abusive, not just physical but emotional and verbal, relationship and it was all that I really knew. I witnessed for eleven years what my father put my mother through and vice versa. I thought relationships were suppose to be hell and you just had to fight through it all to someday, for a little bit, find your heaven. I did not realize how much he was like my father until Sheldon and I broke up. I did not realize half of the crap I went through until it had been months later.
I had lost faith in myself and let myself go through something I should never have gone through. I have come to the point where I will no longer take abuse of any sorts, I am not going to be that submissive person I was before. After experiencing broken relationships and friendships, I had lost faith in people but since then I have developed friendships that could move mountains. I have lost most faith in my father being the father he should be, I have finally accepted how he will always be to me even though it hurts. I had lost faith in God. I had always given my all when I loved. All I wanted to be was loved back. I was wrong when I thought this. I received plenty of life lessons. I had my blessing in front of me all along, I just did not realize it…or who it was. I learned in a short amount of time that I needed to love myself before I could love anyone else. I needed to have faith in myself and God again. I let things finally just happen. I did not go out of my way. I just let the pieces fall in front of me.
I have found my blessing since then. I never thought I would be with Adam. I had liked him for quite a while, but I figured it was just a crush. I did not think that our friendship of 6 years would bloom into a relationship. As of today, Adam and I have been together in a relationship for six months. And I can truthfully say, this is the happiest I have ever been with another person. Even though we are miles upon miles apart, I don’t care. Distance is a test of love and I love him with all my heart, now and forever. When Adam talks about marriage, I do not pull away. I look forward to our future. I am scared of life and growing up, but I am not scared of being with him. He doesn’t give me a reason to fear him. He only gives me more and more reasons to love him each day. I cannot wait for the day that he is my husband ❤ To spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn’t want to change me. Who loves me for me. Adam is the biggest blessing I have ever received and I do not want to ever let him go.
Overall, I am glad Adam and I did not date each other while we were in high school. Looking back at a lot of things, I do not believe I was ready to be in a relationship with him//a relationship that would work and make me happy. Certain things happen for certain reasons. People who leave our lives are meant to be life lessons and I believe that’s why I ended up dating those guys. That’s why Adam and I did not tell each other our feelings while we were in school. God does some questionable stuff, but he is great. He puts people among our paths as blessings or lessons and I know I have found my blessing.
I was once living in a nightmare, now I am living in my best and favorite daydream.
“You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” ❤