I’m just here in Texas

I wish I knew what to do with myself. This summer I have spent quite a bit of my time alone. I hate being alone. Being alone is not even the complete problem: the thing is, I feel alone. I can be surrounded by friends and family and I STILL feel alone. When I am not talking to Adam, I feel empty.. It hurts, and I cry so much. So much to the point where I feel like I am never going to stop crying. I want to go home, but it is pointless when it doesn’t feel like home to me anymore. I want my mom to tell me it’s going to be okay like she used to.. She knows I miss Adam but I don’t want her to see me this way, I’m her “strong daughter that can go through any pain and come out okay”. I wish she just knew that I’m not okay. Even though it wouldn’t matter. I hate not talking to Adam, I hate not knowing how he feels. I know there is a distance between him and I but I feel it.. I feel like we aren’t close to one another. Maybe it’s because I just wasn’t able to talk to him much this weekend. I’m just letting it upset me. I just wish it was easier. I just have to keep reminding myself, 3 and a half more years and he will be mine again. I know he is my boyfriend, but I want him here. I need him here. I’m breaking down and I hate it. I feel so useless. I’m just here in Texas. Yeah, I’m working an internship. I’m going to be back at school and work in the Fall, but dammit, I wish I was with him. I feel like without him here, I am doing absolutely nothing with myself. No matter how shitty of a human being I am, no matter what goes wrong, no matter how useless I truly am on this Earth… Adam makes me feel like I am worth something, that I am not as useless as I think, but without him I’m nothing. I feel like shit. He’s my confidence, he’s my happiness, he’s my love and he’s not around. 


About maybemiranda

21. Wife. Student.
This entry was posted in military love, ranting, relationships. Bookmark the permalink.

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