I’m just here in Texas

I wish I knew what to do with myself. This summer I have spent quite a bit of my time alone. I hate being alone. Being alone is not even the complete problem: the thing is, I feel alone. I can be surrounded by friends and family and I STILL feel alone. When I am not talking to Adam, I feel empty.. It hurts, and I cry so much. So much to the point where I feel like I am never going to stop crying. I want to go home, but it is pointless when it doesn’t feel like home to me anymore. I want my mom to tell me it’s going to be okay like she used to.. She knows I miss Adam but I don’t want her to see me this way, I’m her “strong daughter that can go through any pain and come out okay”. I wish she just knew that I’m not okay. Even though it wouldn’t matter. I hate not talking to Adam, I hate not knowing how he feels. I know there is a distance between him and I but I feel it.. I feel like we aren’t close to one another. Maybe it’s because I just wasn’t able to talk to him much this weekend. I’m just letting it upset me. I just wish it was easier. I just have to keep reminding myself, 3 and a half more years and he will be mine again. I know he is my boyfriend, but I want him here. I need him here. I’m breaking down and I hate it. I feel so useless. I’m just here in Texas. Yeah, I’m working an internship. I’m going to be back at school and work in the Fall, but dammit, I wish I was with him. I feel like without him here, I am doing absolutely nothing with myself. No matter how shitty of a human being I am, no matter what goes wrong, no matter how useless I truly am on this Earth… Adam makes me feel like I am worth something, that I am not as useless as I think, but without him I’m nothing. I feel like shit. He’s my confidence, he’s my happiness, he’s my love and he’s not around. 

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About maybemiranda

21. Wife. Student.
This entry was posted in military love, ranting, relationships. Bookmark the permalink.

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