Adam mentioned something last night and personally I did not like it, but in a way I cannot be bothered by it because it is understandable for him to say it. We were just talking about a lot of stuff and he said that if I did not tell him how I felt about him when I did, he probably would have gotten back with his ex. Hearing him say that bothered mainly because he is mine now and well, no girl ever really wants to hear THAT. The thing that made it ten times worse was I let it bother me. I know I should not have but it is not that simple. I doubt he likes hearing about stuff with my exes. I know he tells me how he feels about it, but I do not know the emotional wear and tear on him. After he has said about his ex, my heart sunk and it hurt. The thought of him now, with anyone who isn’t me, causes the worst feelings ever. The whole conversation got me thinking: “If Adam and I did not get together…what the heck would I be doing now?” and “Who would I be with?” Then multiple, not so happy scenarios go through my head with different people and I hate every single one of them. Especially because I would probably have been repeating the past with a few.
I feel so pathetic. I’m all sulking and shit. I get upset because Adam calls and pretty much has to go right then. I point it out and then he calls to try to make it up to me but I’m already upset and then I don’t want to talk. We hang up and I’m sad.
Why do I have to be so difficult?
I feel so bad for being clingy, so I pull away then I get clingy again. I don’t know what to do with myself. Maybe I should just disappear, turn off all sorts of way to communicate with people, and just fucking disappear.