Better – expansion on *shrugs*

I just want to love you.  I am a ridiculous person, I know this much. I get all crazy mad, but it is because I care. I let things bother me, just because. I am a difficult person, but I will love you until the end.  I know that nothing about our situation is ideal except the fact that we have each other. Yes, I am foolish at times. I always overreact. I like fighting. I love being yours. I am sorry for the stupid shit that I pull, but I can promise that there is no one else in this world I want to be with. I think even though I am absolutely crazy, that it will be all worth it in the end if you stick around. I have to get used to having a love like yours. I haven’t had a functional relationship, and not one that ever meant a damn if I did. I have had many relationships, but none like this. And the ones that were decently close, well, they completely screwed me up in the end. The relationships that had potential, did not work because I was not the type of girl who was going to give physical love. They wanted it, did not get it from me, and went elsewhere. Could give them the world but not my body and that was not good enough for them. So yeah, this is a whole new thing for me. Being in a relationship where someone actually appreciates the fact that I have an opinion and I voice it. Being with someone who loves me even when I completely piss him off. He does not, well I mean, he has not run away even when I am being a complete irrational bitch. He just waits for the crazy to stop and then it is okay again. He is a whole new experience to me. Especially a freaking long distance, military relationship….something I said I would never put myself through. A physical relationship, also. That is new grounds for me for the most part. I never trusted myself with others to that point, and I am going to struggle with it for a while. My trust was punctured almost a year ago and ruined me in a way. Made me frigid. I will never be able to explain why I am the way I am. I can give you a thousand reasons of why I react the way I do or what has happened to me that has made me this way, but I am more than that. I still am figuring it all out myself. I want to be with him every step of the way. He make me a better person.

I am still learning and enduring it all, figuring out how to let myself trust another person.. with me… completely. It is hard. I was so open at the beginning of my last relationship, and it blew up in my face entirely. I trusted someone with EVERYTHING, every bad thing that had ever happened to me, every good thing. We told each other our stories, I never thought that something so open could have ended so closed off and cold near the end. I had never witnessed someone change so much within two years time. I never thought I would take the crap that I took from him. I still do not know why those things happened. I still do not know what I did. I do not think I even want to know at this point because it is not worth it. It was never worth everything that happened. I am glad it ended when it did, I am glad I did not go back. I had the chance, I ran the other way. I thought love was supposed to be about telling someone EVERYTHING, but not everyone needs to know all the dirty details. They just need to know certain things, the past does not mean a damn thing anymore, just the present and the future.

Love is hard, but in a way, love is easy. Easier than I thought it was. Easier than I thought it should be. Even though we have been more apart than together in our actual relationship, I am so happy. I feel loved and I love back. I never want to shake this feeling. I never want to lose this love. Now and forever is what I want.


About maybemiranda

21. Wife. Student.
This entry was posted in military love, ranting, relationships. Bookmark the permalink.

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