Blindfolded

Three and a half years.
That is how much longer Adam will be in the Marines, if he does not decide to re-enlist. And I swear, he is always clouding my mind. I am always thinking about him, about us, about life, about our possible future, and what could happen. What I want to happen. I think a lot, probably too much. I don’t think I would mind if he re-enlisted, but only if I could marry him before. I do not think I could handle the whole: him taking off and me practically never seeing him again. I am fine now, overall. I try to keep my focus on school and anything else possible, but I know that later on, I want a life with him. I have no idea what would happen if he re-enlisted, what the heck he could or would do. I am not all knowing when it comes to anything about the military. I have to figure stuff out, talk to others, and decipher information. The whole, I am putting my faith into a relationship that I cannot even literally hold onto, sucks. I love Adam. I am in for the long run. If I was going to leave, I would not have even agreed to being in this relationship from the beginning. I would not have told him how I felt. I knew I had wanted to tell him, eventually.. someday, about how my feelings, but I always thought by the time I told him it would be too late. Always thought it would be way down the road in life, us being with two different people, probably having families and I would bring it up at a class reunion or at someone’s party of sorts. Just throwing it out there like it was nothing. “Oh, I remember in high school I had a crush on you. It was hilarious. You never even caught on.” And it would get awkward, and we would either joke about it or drop the whole conversation and go on with our separate lives.
Instead, I threw my feelings at him, in a way. Knowing he would be gone in a few months and was tired of thinking about the “what ifs”. Just thought, “fuck it, you pissed me off, prepare to suffer with my anger and my true feelings.” How funny. Being told by him that he had feelings for me too. I just thought to myself, “oh shit, just kill me, you weren’t supposed to like me back, you’re supposed to laugh at me, tell me I am funny and drop it like nothing ever happened. You’re supposed to say, I don’t want to start anything because I am leaving, but really you were supposed to be thinking, this chick is batshit crazy, I wouldn’t give her the time of day. Friendzooooneeee.”
It didn’t happen that way, not the way I thought it would. No where near. I have been blindfolded this entire relationship. I always have to know “what happens next” and be in control of the matter. Everything, all of this, is out of my control for once and I actually like it. I got into a relationship with Adam and my comfort zone pretty much told me to ‘fuck off’, and it ran the other direction. WELL THEN.
Three and a half years of waiting, it isn’t much. I think the reason it doesn’t bother me too badly is because I had feelings for Adam for pretty much the six years I had known him and I got used to the whole “waiting game”. We just always sucked at making the first move.

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About maybemiranda

21. Wife. Student.
This entry was posted in military love, ranting, relationships. Bookmark the permalink.

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