I am happy that I am in the relationship I am in. I can be silly, I can yell playfully, I can make Adam think I am upset and when I say “gotcha”, he plays mad at me and I am happy. I am around 3, 700 miles away from the one person who I truly love and I can still manage to be happy just by goofing off with him through texting. I am a lot more emotional, overall and for once, I think it is a good thing. I am sensitive. I am not cold and hard like I used to be or at least tried to be. It is difficult letting walls down, but he makes it easier than I expected it to be. I am still working on it, but I am getting there.
I trust Adam more than I have ever trusted a guy. I have always felt the need to be in control of every aspect of my life. No one else, just me being in control of my heart, my feelings, my choices, everything. I am pretty sure I have found the one person, the only person, that I am okay with him being in control… which is hard because I still have that need to be stubborn, to fight, and to control everything about myself among other things. I let him win more than he knows. I have to fight myself on the inside and remind myself that I have to let things go, that it is okay for him to win, for him to.. in a way, tell me what to do. He is lucky, other people, if they tried telling me what to do. Jokingly or not, I was always very angry and offended. I trust him completely.
Adam was not my first, but he was the first guy that I had sex with that I do not regret doing it with right afterwards. I did not regret it at all, which is completely new for me. There were times where Adam and I were messing around or goofing off in my room and he’d pin me down, and when something like that happened in other situations with people, I did not react well, I would either get mad or freak out. With him I do neither. I am not joking when I say I want to be with him forever. In all seriousness, I do. The first time in a long time, I really want something and that something is Adam. I know I have high hopes for us. So high that I cannot see the ground anymore.