Those moments in life where you have no idea what you should do, those moments, they suck. I have mentioned Connor before in previous posts, he is…well, was my best friend//”little brother”. Recently, he has been demoted to less of a friend, more of an acquaintance. I have been madder than hell at him for quite sometime now. I am not sure of what I should do though. Advice or no advice, I just need to vent so here it goes: I do not know how to feel anymore when it comes to my former best friend. I went to my university’s football game today (they were playing the Naval Academy) which meant, of course, Connor is going to get sworn in at the game. I did not think about this when I originally made plans of going to this game. I was unaware that was going to take place there until Connor messaged me about it on Friday. He invited me to be his guest to sit with him, etc. I declined. I watched on the big screens at our stadium as he swore in and I did not feel a thing. Not an ounce of guilt or pride for him. I am just emotionless. Now, I feel a ping of guilt for not congratulating him, but other than that, nothing.
Let me bring you into deeper details.
I have known Connor since the summer of 2009, I was about to be a sophomore in high school and him a freshman. We met at the state park pool in our hole of a town one day, then once summer band started up we somewhat became friends. He was percussion and I was color guard. We have had our fair share of ins and outs with each other, but I have in a way, always held back from ripping his throat out with the truth. Last year, about November or so, Connor and I got into this huge fight. We were on the edge of not being friends anymore. We somehow managed to pull it together, but since then, things haven’t exactly been the same. I have noticed more and more about Connor that I do not like. Things that I cannot stand being around.
—–long story short—–
Connor pissed me off the week I was moving in, because of the way he was being, acting, etc. After that, I decided I was done with all his never-ending, never-changing crap and that I did not want to be his friend anymore. I cannot keep dealing with him and worrying about him when I have to worry about myself. I know that sounds mean, I know it sounds hateful, but if you knew the circumstances. Everything that has happened between now and back when we first became friends. I cannot give myself a reason of why I stayed then. I can look back from now and say “yeah, he was a good friend”, but there are more bad times out of our friendship than good. We only really became close these past two years, which I am surprised that even happened. I am just very unsure of if his friendship is worth the bother of keeping because when I think about it, I instantly think “no” each and every time.