I like Christmas music, when it is actually around Christmas time. Christmas songs, all day errrday….at the end of December, just before Christmas.
Man – I hate my mind. There are a lot of times where I just sit here and cry because I feel that the things I want in life, or just the things I want in general, will never happen or go the way I want them to. Now, I do know this is life, and nothing goes the way you want it to, but it sucks. I just want something strong, something that is solid, that won’t break or falter. I want something I don’t have to worry about losing or breaking, but everything can be lost or broken. I hate living in this world of uncertainty. I have the hopes, goals, even dreams, but why do they matter at the end of the day when I may or may not get to them? I want and hope about a life with Adam. I know we will have to work at it….every damn day, but nothing else has ever worked out for me. So why would my relationship? I sure as hell want it to. I see what my sister has: a loyal loving husband, great children, and a surviving marriage. That doesn’t exactly happen in my family, but I want that, I want that with Adam. With our relationship, I am literally holding on to air. He isn’t here. Out of the people I know in long distance relationship, I am the one who has gone the longest without seeing my boyfriend. There have been times where I am unsure about him and I because of shit that happens that seems so fucked up and I feel like I am getting played a fool.
I love him, and it kills me sometimes. I would never go through this for anyone else. I just hope he realizes that, and realizes how much I love him, and what he puts me through.. because I don’t know if the tables were turned if he would stick around. I hope he would, but that is something no one is really ever sure about. If I didn’t love him, I would have left by now. I always told myself that I would never put myself through something like this: “this” being a long distance, military relationship. I couldn’t even trust any of the guys I dated who were around me most of the time (and I had every right not to trust the fuckers, but damn). If this isn’t love, I don’t know what the hell is. If this isn’t love, I don’t want to find out what it really is. I just want Adam, as ridiculous as it may sound to other people, he is all that I want.