mind

I like Christmas music, when it is actually around Christmas time. Christmas songs, all day errrday….at the end of December, just before Christmas.

Man – I hate my mind. There are a lot of times where I just sit here and cry because I feel that the things I want in life, or just the things I want in general, will never happen or go the way I want them to. Now, I do know this is life, and  nothing goes the way you want it to, but it sucks. I just want something strong, something that is solid, that won’t break or falter. I want something I don’t have to worry about losing or breaking, but everything can be lost or broken. I hate living in this world of uncertainty. I have the hopes, goals, even dreams, but why do they matter at the end of the day when I may or may not get to them? I want and hope about a life with Adam. I know we will have to work at it….every damn day, but nothing else has ever worked out for me. So why would my relationship? I sure as hell want it to. I see what my sister has: a loyal loving husband, great children, and a surviving marriage. That doesn’t exactly happen in my family, but I want that, I want that with Adam. With our relationship, I am literally holding on to air. He isn’t here. Out of the people I know in long distance relationship, I am the one who has gone the longest without seeing my boyfriend. There have been times where I am unsure about him and I because of shit that happens that seems so fucked up and I feel like I am getting played a fool.

I love him, and it kills me sometimes. I would never go through this for anyone else. I just hope he realizes that, and realizes how much I love him, and what he puts me through.. because I don’t know if the tables were turned if he would stick around. I hope he would, but that is something no one is really ever sure about. If I didn’t love him, I would have left by now. I always told myself that I would never put myself through something like this: “this” being a long distance, military relationship. I couldn’t even trust any of the guys I dated who were around me most of the time (and I had every right not to trust the fuckers, but damn). If this isn’t love, I don’t know what the hell is. If this isn’t love, I don’t want to find out what it really is. I just want Adam, as ridiculous as it may sound to other people, he is all that I want.

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About maybemiranda

21. Wife. Student.
This entry was posted in Life, military love, relationships. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to mind

  1. All I can think to say is focus on the positive. I truly believe the best things in life, such as love, are not meant to be held tightly. They are meant to be enjoyed no matter how temporary. Not to say that you two are temporary! Knowing there will be work involved is a good realization and will make all the difference.

    • maybemiranda says:

      Thank you hun. I think I have been just been going overboard with my emotions.

      Adam surprised me today and came home early and will be leaving the 3rd of January, so I’m quite happy and not thinking negatively what so ever 😀

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